Me, me, me: Entitlement behaviors

If there is one characteristic that we’d say our NMIL is probably most guilty of, it’s the sheer amount of entitlement she seems to feel toward herself.  It’s extreme enough that she encroaches on the needs and boundaries on those around her just to serve her own selfish wants, which is rather typical for abusive, dysfunctional, and/or narcissistic individuals.

There was a recent incident which, again, thrust this into sharp relief.  The other day, my twin found out that our NMIL randomly parked on her property late in the morning just to walk around and talk pictures.  This was done without asking her son or my twin.  They live somewhere close to a decent amount of free street parking, something which our NMIL could have easily taken advantage of without inconvenience to herself.

Now, this looks very much like petty griping, but it’s not the act itself.  It’s what the act represents.  She obviously thought she hadn’t free reign to go wherever without having enough of a care for common courtesy to ask.  In other words, she feels entitled.  Oh, it’s so-and-so’s house.  I don’t have to ask to park here even though I could easily park elsewhere.  The problem is when my twin tried talking to her husband about it.  He was annoyed, but also said there was no point in saying anything cause she’ll just get mad and start bitching at everyone.  My twin rightfully said that was no reason to allow someone to be so blatantly disrespectful.  And she’s right.  Yes it’s  uncomfortable to have to deal with black lash, but what she worse is allowing her to continue walking all over everyone just to please herself.

She doesn’t care about anyone except herself.  As much as she’s put up a fuss about us “respecting” her, she refuses to the do the same for us or anyone else in her own family.  Hypocrisy at its finest.  But, that’s the nature of such dysfunction.  People like that think they’re above common social courtesies and therefore, do not apply to them.  They’re “entitled” to do whatever they want just because they want to.

Just like in a previous post about boundaries, if this happens to you habitually, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of “it’s useless to do anything because x, y, z.”  Stick up for yourself and your boundaries.  You’re better off in the long run doing so because you at least wouldn’t be giving out the message that it’s okay for your abuser to continue walking all over you.  You certainly don’t have to be mean or rude, though we wouldn’t blame you if you were.  It’s tough to be civil when you’re dealing with this kind of bullshit.

Twin B

 

The enabler, the ostrich: The one they call father

This post is hard to talk about because for the most part, our FIL generally has been genuinely nice in the time we’ve known him.  I say generally because there have been a few, rare moments where we have noticed an innate sense of selfishness and self-preservation at the expense of someone else, but we’ll get to that later.  It’s been difficult creating this post, because it almost seems mean to unmask him, but it needs to be said for those of you out there who face similar situations to us and our husbands.

Defining the Enabler

Enablers consist of either a few or many individuals existing in the circle of a narcissistic, sociopathic, abusive, and/or generally dysfunctional person who, in effect, validates that person’s behaviors.  Enablers can also be what’s called a “flying monkey”, or a person (or group) that actively does the dysfunctional individual’s bidding.  However, we haven’t seen many occurrences of our FIL obviously acting as one of his wife’s “flying monkeys.”  We HAVE seen two of her other children act as unwitting flying monkeys in the past.  The consensus is still out on whether those two realized they were recruited (read, manipulated) or not.

Father, Where Art Thou?

We would not classify our FIL as a flying monkey because I do not recall ever seeing him openly reinforce or endorse his wife’s behaviors.  I would call him an ostrich because ostriches bury their heads in the ground, and it makes for a good metaphor for what he does.  From what it sounds like based on recollections of childhood, it does not appear that he ever openly stood up to his wife for the sake of their kids.  What would happen, according to one of the adult children, is that he had the habit of overcompensating.  If something happened, more often than not, relatively soon after whatever incident took place, he would go out and buy expensive clothing, shoes, toys, whatever.  This is common in relationships where a suspected narcissist/disordered individual is involved. The other person will often do things to try and “make up” for the other.

It is quite possible that after years of suffering himself, he – over time – chose to withdraw in an attempt to protect himself and/or feels like anything he could do wouldn’t work or is worthless compared to the fallout and aftermath should he have done the right thing and stood up to her.  The quiet enablers, I suppose we’ll call them, may think that they are helping the disordered person when they aren’t and don’t often have any malicious motives (The Little Shaman, 2017).  When I read that, I thought that was a good description for our FIL because like I said, we don’t particularly feel he has any truly malicious motives.  He is an advocate for putting up with behavior simply to “keep the peace.”  But peace is a misnomer because it’s not actually peace.  He would be the person most likely to say, “she’s your mother, you need to forgive her.”  In other words, put up and shut up, or it’s useless to stand up to her because she turns into a raging bitch when you do.

The Difficulty

The Little Shaman outlines a situation that generally provides a perfect description of the family dynamic that we have been forced to deal with.  Basically, if a narcissist does something and is allowed to get away with it time and time again without any consequences that are enforced, then what is being communicated is, “That’s okay, you can keep doing it because you’ll be rewarded regardless.”  She is continuously allowed to treat everyone like dirt, but is still rewarded by contact, visits, and other freedoms from her children and grandchildren.  The difficult point in this whole dynamic is, yep, the ostrich.  Because he is still linked to their mother, our husbands and their siblings are never comfortable maintaining extreme amounts of distance and/or cutting her off because that affects him too.

What’s worse too is that the children seem to have absolved their father of any responsibility whatsoever, which isn’t healthy.  He’s been placed on this pedestal, when in reality, he did next to nothing protecting his children.  Why?  For a couple of reasons.  First and foremost was likely because he didn’t want to end up directing any more of her ire onto his own person than she was already doing.  Second was because either he was already weak-willed, or he allowed her to make him that way over an extended period of time.  Bottom line, he is absolutely complicit.

There’s a website that pretty well describes how our FIL behaves as an enabler.  There are four “types” of enabling fathers, but it seems our FIL is a combination of a couple — blind and ostrich, although he fits a bit more closely with the ostrich description.  The ostrich type is one that buries his head in the sand, like ostriches do.  As described, the ostrich “looks the other way when there is abuse … He may believe that he can’t do anything … He has most likely been the victim of abuse himself” (“Ian Sala”*, 2014).  Our husbands have previously expressed confusion as to why their father refuses to leave their mother.  I suppose we’ll never know.

References

“Sala, I.” (2014). Enabling fathers. Retrieved from https://www.sonsofnarcissisticmothers.org/enablingfathers.html

The Little Shaman. (2017). The narcissist’s enablers. Retrieved from https://pairedlife.com/problems/The-Narcissists-Enablers

*The author noted on his website that the name he uses is an alias to protect his identity and family, much like we do here by calling ourselves “twins”.

Impacts of Parental Narcissism on Children

There are several ways a child is impacted by narcissistic parents, as explained by both Malkin and McBride (references below).

1. Self-esteem/Self-confidence
   1. Feels invisible, worthless, “not good enough”
   2. Children either become super over-achievers or self-saboteurs
   3. Constant feelings of judgment and criticism from family/others
2. Stunted emotional development
   1. Experiences trouble developing a sense of self
   2. Difficulty handling emotions/expressing emotions in healthy ways
   3. Grow frustrated by attempts to receive love in order to not get it
   4. Poor ability identifying and trusting own feelings
3. General inability or extreme difficulty dealing with social situations
   1. Stunted communication skills
   2. Difficulty understanding or setting appropriate boundaries
   3. Not being held accountable for any words, behaviors, or actions
4. More likely to suffer from conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or personality disorders upon adulthood
   1. They will have to essentially “reparent” themselves in adulthood and go through trauma recovery
   2. Poor coping skills
   3. Trouble seeking help dealing with trauma from childhood abuse, such as not finding helpful treatment, support, or encountering dismissal when seeking help
5. Will feel used and manipulated constantly
   1. Taught image is more important than being real/honest
   2. Taught to “keep family secrets” (referring to mistreatment and abuse)

Dealing with such crippling effects often leaves children – as they mature – lonely, resentful, and unfulfilled.  We have seen many of these effects from our own husbands and are in a unique position to see how badly it has affected their lives.  This sometimes manifests itself in the way our husbands talk to our children.  There are times where they talk down directly to them or about them to us.  We question how much of that behavior is them projecting how they feel about themselves onto their own children (thereby potentially continuing the cycle of instability) or how much of it is just a habit they picked up from being talked to that way by their family members.

My husband recently explained to me how his entire life, yes even as a child, he never felt secure.  Always anxious, struggling with feelings of emotional abandonment.  Always lonely and somehow unable to relate to peers and had an extremely hard time socializing.  Always struggling to cope with life in general.  He said he understands how he carried these things (and other maladaptive behaviors and ways of thinking) into his adult life, his relationship and marriage to me, and as we try to raise our child.  My soul leapt for joy.  Not for his pain, but for this truth that will help set him free.  To help him heal and grow.

My twin’s husband is still caught in a pattern of intentional repression, due to a desire to live a life of wishful thinking.  He is still caught in a web of wanting to please his mother, despite how many times she has not ‘tossed him a bone’, so to speak.  Forever chasing the idea of a mother who actually loves him, never to be really fulfilled.  Unfortunately my twin is stuck in an orb of uncertainty, simply because it’s difficult to seek out trustworthy assistance.  She knows she could encounter resistance.  She also knows talking to her husband often ends up unproductive, because instead of listening, he’ll just accuse her of pettiness and stonewall her.  Unfortunately too, these concerns often do come off as sounding petty, which makes seeking help and understanding even more difficult.  We will address the topic of supporting our husbands and the difficulty accessing support in another post.

Our husbands, as we described in a different post, are at different levels of understanding.  Because of the maladaptive behaviors they’ve picked up and allowed to become habit as adults, they have a difficult time trusting and communicating even with each other.  We feel this is likely because their family dynamic was not one of support, but competition and division.  This dynamic did not serve them well, and has only caused them to have a harder go of life as they grew into adults.  It’s a process and a journey for us both.  I hope and pray that my soul sister finds the relief she desperately needs, and for my brother-in-law to find the willingness and strength to open his eyes and accept the reality of the damage he’s experienced.

Twin B

References

Malkin, C. (2016). 8 common, long-lasting effects of narcissistic parenting. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201609/8-common-long-lasting-effects-narcissistic-parenting

McBride, K. (2018). How does narcissistic parenting affect children? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/how-does-narcissistic-parenting-affect-children

Why it isn’t quite possible to be the quintessential “one big, happy family” when family members are too dysfunctional

I figure some of the other posts may answer this question, but I also felt like that maybe this question should be addressed a little more directly.

My twin and I have talked in the past about how culture influences how people feel about “family is family”, particularly about how specific family members act like it’s their job to play peacemaker.  Part of this person’s argument is that “we’re the only family we have,” which to me sounds like a veiled guilt trip.  That’s no reason to manipulate people into maintaining too much of a close relationship with individuals who consistently refuse to abide by boundaries and show basic respect for other family members.  Getting along is all good and well, but it doesn’t serve anyone well to live in denial about having this “one big, happy family” idea when said family is chock full of harmful dysfunction.

To kind of piggy-back off of another post, this general idea of maintaining too much of a relationship with people who are perpetually dysfunctional, toxic, or abusive (or all of those things) is one we regard as misguided.  Of course, every family sometimes has its downs.  But what distinguishes minor things like that from habitual and perpetuated mistreatment, severe dysfunction, and abuse is based on how healthy the individuals are and how well-versed they are when it comes to communicating, building trust, and mutual respect.  If you do not feel like you could handle completely cutting off any toxic family member, that’s okay and that’s up to you.  We feel it is possible to keep these people in your life, but at an appropriate distance depending on what you feel most comfortable with.  De-emphasizing these relationships and spending more time and focus on the healthy ones you do have (whether in or out of the family unit) will help you feel more fulfilled as a person.  In that instance, you would instead be focusing on the people who build you up instead of those who have a habit of trying to pull you down somehow, mistreat you, manipulate you, disrespect you, etc.

One of the most fundamental building blocks of any kind of relationship is – other than mutual admiration and respect for one another – the observation and respect for boundaries.  It is what builds trust, respect, and paves the way for the utilization of healthy communication and interpersonal skills.  When that is NOT there, as is the case with the family we are in, then it is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy, close relationship.  When you have other family members who are trying to guilt everyone else or act as though they have been called upon to play “peacekeeper,” it would serve you well to remember that these people also came from this family.  These people also have their own struggles and demons as a product of inattentive, neglectful, and abusive parenting and thus are also stunted in emotional development in addition to interpersonal and communication skills.  As a result, they are not likely to fundamentally understand that willing everyone to “just get along” or essentially “force” too much of a relationship between toxic family members is not what will help anything.  It won’t help anyone get better.  It will not help the toxic family member(s) “quit misbehaving.”  It will not magically make everyone happy or make the family unit better as a whole.  It’s just a fantasy, one that is misguided and ultimately damaging to your psyche and own attempts at getting better yourself.

Twin B

Coping with different levels of awareness and acceptance

In the early years of our marriages when we first started to notice the thickly disguised abuse, it seemed like when we tried to go to our husbands with concerns, two things would happen.  First, since we were ignorant concerning the dynamic of an abusive household and because we were not used to dealing with it, we did not communicate about our feelings in the best manner.  Second, our reactions and the manner in which we tried to communicate the obvious dysfunction to our husbands caused them to – to some extent – shut themselves down.  In other words, we experienced a communication block on both ends.  Neither of us managed to find a proper way to express to the other what our thoughts were without the other shutting down.  Our husbands are the same in some ways, but different in others.

Thoughts from Twin B

We as individuals do tend to internalize and pick up many of the same behaviors as our parents, whether we intend to or not.  That’s why you hear people joke about “haha, I sounded just like mom (or dad).”  In a situation where abuse is involved, the development of the children becomes more complex, not to mention hindered in a variety of ways.

My husband is generally more willing to be argumentative than his brother, so it made for some interesting verbal sparring matches between us back when we had less of an idea about how to communicate about these serious issues.  It used to be that if one gets riled up, so does the other (very quickly).  Once I learned to tame my frustration with his mother and not merely rant about her to him and instead point out behaviors in a manner that was not laced with too much emotion, it seemed like he became more willing to listen.  Although, as he often told me, “I already know this…”  Yes, he did know. What he was less aware of though is not the pattern necessarily, but the pathology of it.

Early on, it didn’t seem like my husband could (or was willing) to see the situation for what it was.  Like his siblings and father, he was more inclined to have the attitude of “that’s just the way she is, and it’s no use doing anything about it.”  I don’t think it was until after my twin’s husband had that first fallout with their mom prior to the attempt by my twin and me to try and talk to her, two mothers to another, that I think my husband started to more fully realize what we were dealing with.  Granted, he wasn’t always fully on board either, but he’s been getting there since then.  However, it wasn’t until we participated in several sessions with a marriage counselor that things really started to look up from the communication side of things.  I think having a trained therapist explain some of the things I was trying to convey to my husband already (manipulation, boundaries, abuse) helped tremendously.

I wanted to speak a second on how I mentioned my husband wasn’t “always fully on-board.”  There have been many times throughout the last nearly ten years I’ve known him where he’s unloaded on me about how he generally feels no one sticks by him, no one supports him, things like that.  It makes me feel bad to hear things like that, because obviously he refers to his own family in that blanket statement too (in addition to specific remarks he’s made).  One would think such feelings would have encouraged him sooner to help me help us both communicate and get on the same page about all this BS.  But it hasn’t, or not as much as I would have preferred it did.  It’s been hard for him to trust that I am here, haven’t left, and have stood by him and worked hard to support him through many things in our lives together.  I hope he knows by now I have no plans to just quit.  I’m not a quitter.

Things aren’t perfect.  In fact, I would say that my husband still scares me sometimes if he happens to make some off-hand remark that leads me to believe he’s “forgetting.”  But then there are other times where some fear I had was completely shut down and I was left feeling like I should have trusted him more.  It’s a battle, but I feel like we are on the way to overcoming it.  Slow but steady wins the race.

Thoughts from Twin A

This journey has been a rocky road for me and my husband (and our marriage).  It has tested me and my marriage in various ways.  I’d like to think it has strengthened my husband and I more than it has hurt us (but I often doubt that).  This has made a major impact on our marriage. We have been forced to improve our communication with one another.  After our first major fallout with NMIL, my husband would do as much as he could to not mention his mother, and in turn I would do my best not to mention my NMIL.  This was NOT healthy for us AT ALL.  We do our best to communicate things now.  In the car, after leaving NMIL’s house (or any other visits) the question is almost always asked by one of us…”how was that?  Any issues?”.  It gives us the opportunity to communicate any issues sooner rather than later. I am slowly learning (like Twin B) to not rant to my husband about his mother.  This allows him to actually rant at times and then he is more accepting to some of the solutions I might have.

Early on in our marriage my husband tried to reach out to me, and tell me that his childhood wasn’t the best.  I typically thought, “everyone has their issues”.  He generally kept those comments to…”my parents fought a lot”, “they drank a lot”, “they didn’t come to any of my sporting events”.  He never really got straight to the abuse…and by the time I understood what he really dealt with we were knee deep in our own issues with my NMIL.  I’m confident my husband tries extremely hard to forget most of those memories.  He also didn’t recognize them as abuse, and still is not 100 percent sure that they are abuse most days.  This was a struggle for us, and still is.  I walk on egg shells.  My husband wanted (still wants) to believe that his parents can be traditional parents and we can all live in some fairy tale.

My husband is generally more accepting to the reality of narcissism in the heat of the moment–when he’s still angry about the situation. In the rare moments he allows himself to see the situation for what it is–he wants to move to the other side of world to run from it (I’m not kidding he has done lots of research about moving to another country).  But when things return to “normal”, he tends to forget the abuse that plagues our lives.  This means he is willing to soften boundaries.  I often have to be the bad guy and remind him of our boundaries and that they were established for a reason.  Most of the time I walk away feeling like I am being mean to my husband, but I know that keeping healthy boundaries is important for our family.  Denial hurts…it hurts him, it hurts me, it hurts our family.  It often makes me the crazy wife that won’t bend, but I do what I do because he’s not strong enough right now.  I pray that one day he can heal and be strong.

How children of abusive parents are victim-shamed by cultural expectations of family and forgiveness

Often, my twin and I think about the backlash that people who try to illustrate a specific situation in order to seek help and advice are shut down and shamed.  Such responses we’ve seen include things like “you’re overreacting” or “it sounds like you’re controlling” or other similar kinds of responses.  Why is it that any time a victim tries to reach out, they’re attacked for it?  Or if children themselves do not reach out, but their spouses do because they legitimately need advice about how to deal with the abuse or how to help, why is it that we are attacked?  Sons- and daughters-in-law are their own kind of victims too.  Do you know why it is sometimes sons- or daughters-in-law who go out to try and find help?  You may think, why isn’t the biological son or daughter the one to seek help?

Let me answer those questions by giving you our own experiences.  Our husbands have different levels of awareness and acceptance.  Because they’re so close to the situation, they do not always have the healthiest perspective, or if they do have a healthy perspective of a particular incident, they are constantly doubting themselves as to how to deal with said situation.  They, because they are biological sons, have a hard time for what we feel are the following reasons (pulled from our own thoughts and things our husbands have expressed):

• In abusive situations, victims are often conditioned into not only serving the needs of the abuser (thereby not tending to their own), but also conditioned to keep the abuse a secret. Can’t be exposing your parent’s skeletons now can we?  And then by not tending to their own needs, the children grow up relatively stunted emotionally, socially, and in other ways that are detrimental in their adult lives.  This then gets carried into adult relationships, both romantic and platonic.  We know because we live it.
• The general cultural attitude about family is that “family is family”, meaning you put up with their shit regardless because they’re the “only” family you have.  This may seem harsh, but in my honest opinion, anyone who says that to someone trying to reach out (who likely has been abused) is only victim-shaming and validating the abuser in the process.  This may be true in the general sense, yet when you factor in habitual abuse and mistreatment, we feel the statement does not apply.
• Along with the general cultural attitude about “family is family,” we are often brought up on the assumption that mothers are good, that mothers are these angelic beings, and that if you turn on your mother, you are the most awful or “ungrateful” child alive.  Just because a woman is a mother, does not automatically mean she was either a) a good mother, or b) had any maternal instincts.  Don’t get me wrong – there are MANY awesome mothers out there, but there are also MANY who abuse or mistreat their spouses and/or children.
• In the case of our husbands and their siblings, they have also been conditioned through the use of various abusive tactics – manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and triangulation – to keep close contact with their mother.  This is often done by her harassing or completely ignoring/freezing out whichever person chose (gasp) to “go against” her or have the balls to call her out on something, using their father against them because she knows they worry about him, shedding crocodile tears, or by throwing child-like tantrums.
• One of the children said that he feels one reason why his parents did not divorce many years ago is precisely because if they did, the kids all wanted to live with their dad and not their mother.  And she knew this, which is precisely why she has a habit of using their father as a means of manipulating them – “your father is upset about this” or other similar statements.  Even indirectly, he is used by her against their own children, simply because she knows they value him more than they do her.  That’s exactly why they maintain contact, because since he is married to her – to cut her out means cutting him out too.
• The following information also contributes into the difficulty of learning how to deal with this kind of crap.  My twin and I feel that our dysfunctional MIL exhibits traits of both a sociopath and a covert or malignant narcissist, based on the following traits she has in particular (which can be found in more detail on this awesome website here):
  • superficial charm; untruthful and manipulative; never apologizes; presents herself as a hero with high morals and philosophy; incites emotional chaos; fakes like or love to get what she wants; expert at betraying people; devoid of empathy; a need for admiration (or attention in general); convinced she deserves special treatment (entitlement); initiates smear campaigns; unwilling to consider the feelings, wishes, and thoughts of others; appears to fixate on grandiose ideas of being highly philosophical, inspirational, thoughtful, or “in touch” with “positive” life affirmations, personal attractiveness, and qualities that she does not possess (such as gratitude, which she talks about A LOT); thinks only of herself and blames everyone else when caught in a lie/breaking a request.
  • With traits like that, the preceding bullet points tie into how her children may feel like they have a hard time trying to get some help.  Who is going to believe them when she presents herself so successfully as what she pretends to be to outsiders?

Next, we need to factor in how Twin A and I fit into this scenario.  Twin A and I had no prior understanding of what the dynamic was in a family where abuse was prevalent because she and I were not raised in such an environment.  We were fortunate because we grew up in households where there was no constant fighting between parents, no abuse, and that was generally supportive when it came to academics, emotional needs, spiritual needs, et cetera (pretty much the opposite of what our husbands had).  To marry into such an unhealthy and arguably dangerous dynamic is, needless to say, a big shock to our systems.  At the beginning stages of awareness, we had no idea what we were dealing with or how to deal with it.  We lashed out without really knowing (much less understanding) why.  I honestly – and I said this to my husband recently – felt like I was going crazy.  It is not a good feeling.  In our positions, it has been very, very difficult for us to try and express ourselves to our husbands about our concerns, anxiety, and fears.  We are forced to essentially do what their mother SHOULD have done, which was cultivate healthier ways of relating and communicating (for one).  I think sometimes we are still confused and astounded at the behavior that goes on just because we have never dealt with it on such an extreme level in our lives.  I’m sure my twin experiences this sometimes too, but sometimes I get so confused I wonder if I am thinking too much about it.  I suppose only time will answer that question.

Another major component of the cultural expectations surrounding family relationships is the concept of forgiveness.  What irks me the most is when people use forgiveness to shame victims into maintaining close ties with their abusers.  I’m going to say this once: forgiveness DOES NOT force you – or anyone – to allow chronic manipulators/abusers the same amount of access to you (physically, emotionally, or otherwise) as before.  You are NOT obligated to treat those individuals with the same amount of trust as before.  ANYONE who tells you that you should “forgive and forget” (especially by an abuser or also people who serve as “flying monkeys” for the abuser) is shaming you for being hurt, essentially telling you it is wrong to have feelings about consistent disrespect, mistreatment, and/or abuse.  Emotions are not wrong and neither is having an emotional reaction to being abused or manipulated.  You can absolutely forgive for YOURSELF.  The point of forgiveness is to work to let go of any pain associated with the wrongs done to you by people in your life.  It is NOT for the other person (or people).  Forgive and forget is a bit of a misnomer in my opinion.  Absolutely forgive (if you can or choose to).  What you should NOT do is “forget.”  What I mean by that is while you let go of the pain associated with abuse, disrespect, dysfunction, whatever word you prefer, you do not forget the lessons those experiences taught you.  We go through crap in our lives to learn how to handle similar situations in the future.

Twin B

 

 

The struggle is real: Setting boundaries

The struggle is real.

We hear this a lot, usually as a sort of jokey saying.  But in our case, the struggle is very real.  It is much more real for our husbands, since they are the biological sons of the main abuser in the family – their mother.  Imagine having to keep your own parent at some sort of arm’s length because of how much he or she (or both) disrespect, belittle, or otherwise mistreat you.  Imagine trying to explain the concept of boundaries to them.  In the case of a suspected narcissistic personality, they do not have a concept of what boundaries are, either because they were not raised with boundaries themselves or because they feel since they had no boundaries with their children that it can continue as said children leave the home and start their own families.

Why is it important to set boundaries?  I pulled some ideas from a post on The Narcissist’s Child (found on Blogspot, and definitely a great resource) concerning boundaries in the world of the narcissist.  Healthier individuals tend to have an implicit understanding of what “boundaries” are and why they are necessary in different types of relationships throughout the course of their lives.  Boundaries are what keep us comfortable or from feeling violated, in a sense.  For instance, Twin A and I – though we do discuss our husbands a lot – generally steer clear of very specific marital issues or conflict between ourselves and our husbands.  After all, the husband-wife relationship needs to be protected.  Whenever our husbands are discussed, we keep it in context of the habitual abuse or neglect meted out by their parents, how to communicate with them, and their specific habits or mannerisms that can make it hard (or easy) to communicate about the dysfunction.

Boundaries are things that are stated to give a clear definition of what is acceptable, what isn’t, and what the consequences would be if those boundaries were knocked down.  For example, a statement such as, “If you continue to disrespect my wife, then we just aren’t going to continue to have a relationship with you.” or “If you punch me in the face, I will call the police.”  They are clear and outline appropriate consequences.  The trick here is to not say anything you actually do not intend to do, because when you are dealing with an abusive manipulator, narcissist, etc., they have a habit of crossing boundaries or testing you just to do it and because they are used to getting their way at the expense of others.  If you do not uphold the consequences, then what you are telling the narcissist or abuser in your life is that your boundaries mean nothing, and that is okay to disrespect you (The Little Shaman, 2017).  Enablers of a narcissist tend to have very little concept of boundaries because they are used to reinforcing or placating them instead of standing up for themselves.

When you are dealing with a narcissistic personality, whether it is a friend or family member, the concept of boundaries appears to be largely nonexistent.  They will also stomp on and light a match to any attempt you make at setting healthy boundaries for yourself or your family.  This can be done in manners that are either covert or very overt in nature.  It mostly depends on the particular preferences of the dysfunctional individual and/or what he or she typically manages to get away with.  Some of these individuals will use a combination of both covert and overt tactics, one theory stating that it is just to see what they can get away with.  This is especially true if this person has had an extended period of time conditioning you to bend over backwards for them constantly.  I would say our suspected NMIL is the perfect example of this, since she has had MANY, MANY years of continuously being rewarded for her behavior.  She is still, in a sense, “rewarded” no matter how well or bad she treats her own husband, children, or grandchildren.  It’s like a “oh well, I can say/do whatever I want, because they’ll give me this or that anyway” kind of thing.

You can compare the pathological narcissistic personality or dysfunctional and emotionally stunted people in general to that of a typical child.  Young children do not possess the emotional maturity to understand rules or boundaries, at times.  And so sometimes they will try to do what they can to circumvent them.  (Again, a very general example).  But in our case it holds up well because based on our mother-in-law’s behavior, she does appear to be very stunted in the emotional/mental sense.  I have overheard arguments from her that are very reminiscent of me as a 12-year-old: “But so-and-so does that!” Those sorts of responses also give me vibes of arguments from pre-teens and teens in general about peer pressure-related things: “But they can, why can’t I?” kind of thing.

You may be thinking that it’s too hard to enforce boundaries given the hell and trouble the dysfunctional/personality disordered/abusive person in your life may give you as a result. WE UNDERSTAND THIS. But understand something else too, and this is something the therapist my husband and I saw said to us: Yes, it is hard to enforce specific boundaries. It may seem easier not to enforce any just so you don’t have to deal with this person (or people) getting on your case about them and trying to make you feel guilty about whatever boundaries you feel you need to put in place. However, in the long run, NOT placing or enforcing any boundaries that MUST be set will only harm you MORE and create MORE resentment in you later. It only allows you to continue being disrespected and sends the message to the manipulative, dysfunctional, or abusive people in your life that it is “OKAY” to continue disrespecting you, that it is “OKAY” to let them walk all over you and make you feel small. Respect yourself. Respect your spouse/partner and children (if you have them). It is NOT selfish to keep these people at arms length if they are a negative/harmful presence to you, your partner, spouse, or children. It is NOT selfish to have boundaries so that you can minimize the harm that could be done to you or others. 

Twin B

[Here is the link for the blog post I referred to if you would like to see it for yourself: http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-abc-of-boundaries-keeping.html]

Reference

The Little Shaman. (2017). The narcissist’s enablers. Retrieved from https://pairedlife.com/problems/The-Narcissists-Enablers

Personal side-effects of someone else’s dysfunction: Twin B

I know that seems like an odd title, so let me explain a little bit what this post will be about.

We are planning one or more posts about how the general dysfunction of our MIL has impacted our husbands in various ways in addition to the way we communicate as married couples.  However, I thought it would be prudent to discuss some of the physical, emotional, and mental strains that we have undergone as a result of this whole mess.  I thought it might be helpful to someone out there who is struggling with something similar, to let those people know that you are not alone, that there is someone else trying to educate themselves and trying to get better at self-care.

When I first met my MIL, I – foolishly – didn’t pay too much attention when she was trying to give me a lot of attention, because I was in a state where I was trying to be extremely upbeat and positive.  Not that I am not positive now, but I feel like I’ve gotten a lot more realistic without being absolutely pessimistic either.  I guess perhaps we could call it cautiousness.  So, I basically wanted to believe that she was this nice person who was genuinely interested in me since I was dating and then engaged to her son.

I didn’t mind how much we used to see her in the beginning.  After a while though, I started to resist.  I could probably pinpoint it to small incidents from before my wedding, but definitely afterwards was when I started to notice a slow change.  There is one thing that sticks out in my mind and it was the sheer violation I felt when one time relatively soon after we’d married, when I was home alone, she randomly showed up and tried coming in without waiting for me to get the door.  She didn’t call me beforehand to ask if it was a good time.  I chalked it up to just a habit I picked up from my mom, who was very adamant about very basic sorts of respectful manners like that.  Whenever we went to her parents’ house every year, she always told us we don’t just walk in (and that my grandparents always knew well ahead of time when we’d be coming).

But then, I started to resist going over there more often.  And then she started to comment to my husband about it.  It got to a point where – and I just could not understand this and I was confused for so long – I felt gross and/or drained after being in her presence.  I honestly thought it was me until I started noticing things, such as her comments to my husband.  Even so, I still tried to allow for relationship cultivation, simply because this was my husband’s mother and thought I was obligated to do so.  Fast forward to when my twin and her husband become pregnant with their first child, and I start to get a more pronounced feeling of off-ness, for lack of a better term.  I forget exactly when, but it didn’t seem to be too long before that event that my twin and I started getting into the habit of getting to know each other and talking more often.  The feeling of disquiet in me is continuing to grow over this period, but I feel like I cannot do anything about it really, so it festers.

Once the child is born, I become privy to more and more things that validate what I am sensing and feeling inside (thanks to my twin, mainly).  As someone who was childless at the time, even I knew better than to go online posting pictures before giving my twin a chance to do so first.  Things like that are not things that have to be explained to me like they need to be to the MIL.  There are spats about babysitting.  There are continuous comments about what to do with the baby coming from her.  And I start to feel the seeds of anxiety being planted in my head just watching and/or hearing about this secondhand.

There were times before we married where my husband would tell me stories about things that happened when he was a kid growing up, mostly involving his mom.  In the beginning per my ‘see-the-best-in-everyone’ attitude, I chose to believe that perhaps she was not that same person.  The behavior I was seeing at this point though was starting to prove otherwise.  Cue the beginning of feeling like I was duped–the beginning because I didn’t try feel entirely duped until later.

And then by some miracle, I became pregnant.  I had seen enough at that point where I was about to the point of living in anxiety because of this woman and seeing what my twin had had to deal with as a new mom.  I was doing my best to provide my twin with a supportive ear because I knew that our husbands are not always the best at doing so.  That isn’t a dig at them so much, because we feel that they weren’t given a good example of a supportive, caring relationship as kids, and so have a hard time providing that for their wives.  During my pregnancy is when the big fallout with our suspected NMIL happened, which was not a huge help given my condition.  No matter how hard I tried to rein in my feelings, I was extremely stressed, constantly panicking.  Especially now that we got to see how she truly thinks of us, now I started feeling the “how the hell did I miss that” kind of thing.  I also felt like a giant idiot for believing she might think well of me or respect me as a person and as her son’s wife, so there goes some of my pride.

Everybody Loves Raymond used to be one of my favorite sitcoms.  I would laugh and laugh because it cracked me up.  Ever since I started educating myself about narcissistic, sociopathic, disrespectful, and generally dysfunctional behavior, I cannot watch that show (or read or watch anything else that even showcases such a dysfunctional MIL) without getting extremely anxious.  That feeling has generally stayed steady these last few years as I’ve begun raising a child of my own.  Mostly, I just try to keep in mind what the marriage counselor my husband and I saw said to me: do NOT give a manipulator power over you.  I’m sure he was referring to how anxiety-ridden I had become.  He is right, but the anxiety has gotten so engrained in my psyche that it’s hard to just turn it off.  I am constantly on the alert whenever I happen to be in her presence.  I am constantly listening to anything she says and how she behaves to me, especially after having my husband wait three months to tell me (this was sometime last fall) that apparently his mother had the balls to do this:

MIL: “You need to bring your child over here more.” Husband: “Why?” MIL: “Because I don’t think he gets the right attention.” Husband: “Are you trying to criticize our parenting?” MIL (pretend mortified): “Oh no! No, that’s not what I said!” Husband: “Bullshit.” MIL: “Please don’t tell [your wife] I said that!!!!”

He claims he didn’t tell me right away because he knew I’d get angry about it.  Hey, when he actually told me, I did manage to hold most of it in and constrain myself (mostly) to murderous looks in his direction.  He knows those looks weren’t directed at him, don’t you worry!  I also took the liberty of making the comment that she had no right to say shit based on her treatment of him (and his siblings) and he agreed.  I thank God that my husband had the awareness to call her ass out because I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t and just let that slide.  This is exactly why I get so angry, even though I’m fully aware this is how she operates.  She pretends to be so nice to me in person, but then turns around and tries to start this kind of bullshit behind our backs.  Not to mention she had the wherewithal to say this to my husband directly, another indicator (to me at least) how she thinks that my husband should side with her against me.  That is NOT okay.

I am working to manage my stress and anxiety.  The mere mention of having to see her drives my blood pressure upwards.  I know this because whenever my blood pressure increases, my hands swell and I start to stress sweat (gross).  It is so, so hard, especially since I have to deal with having my child exposed to this woman who I feel is not a healthy individual to be around.  I constantly worry about her judging me, although she has absolutely no room to say anything based on the difficulties my husband has (deduced from many, many stories he has told me).  She has done next to nothing to foster healthy emotional coping skills in my husband (or his siblings for that matter), or any sort of self-confidence or motivation, nothing.  She did nothing to model healthy inter-relational skills (watched parents and other family fight constantly, sometimes physically), proper and healthy ways of communicating with others, nor did she support any of the ambitions my husband happened to have back when he was in school.  He was told “no” when he told her he wanted to learn how to play the French horn, for instance.  Yet, his sisters were allowed to do extracurriculars like band and various after-school clubs.  He was never pushed to do well in school, and was rarely helped with homework.  I do everything I can to help my husband unlearn the unhealthy behaviors he picked up from childhood (and allowed to become habit as an adult).  The fact that this is the person casting judgment on MY parenting (and indirectly her own son’s!!) is what angers me deeply.  Providing shelter, food, bed, clothing, and toys do not a good parent make.  That is the bare minimum of what parents are supposed to provide.  Parents are also obligated to actively teach children proper ways of communicating, healthy relationship skills, healthy ways of coping with emotion, placing value on learning and education, encouraging mental and spiritual growth, etc.  I try to remind myself that this sort of behavior is learned.  It may be likely she was raised by neglectful or narcissistic parents herself and as such, was stunted to forever be extremely emotionally immature/disordered and then pass on those things to her own children.  And thus the cycle continues… but I’m trying to stop it in its tracks.

Essentially, I constantly deal with anxiety, stress, and a deep-rooted contempt.

It feels awful to have typed that sentence.  In our society, it’s almost made out to be “wrong” to have any sort of negative emotion whatsoever.  Emotions are not wrong unless we express them in ways that are unhealthy.  I am trying to own my emotions, because emotions in themselves are not bad.  I am working on trying to have a healthier perspective and a finding healthy way to off-load those emotions into more positive, worthwhile things than someone who is extremely dysfunctional.  I realize maybe some readers are or feel utterly alone or have no one to talk to, and I grieve for those individuals.  It’s hard to deal with and I HAVE someone to talk to about it who understands and validates my feelings (Twin A).  That’s a reason we started this blog, to help those of you who feel like you’re alone in this.

You are not alone!

Twin B

Compare and contrast: Social media versus reality

There will be another post about the narcissist and the double persona that is typical to such individuals, but we felt that in the case of our suspected NMIL, a post solely dedicated to this trait in the context of social media usage was necessary.  That other post will focus far more on in-person behavior and not on social media use.

I will admit here that it is my fault our NMIL even started using social media.  I wish to claim some form of insanity here, because I was unaware at the time just how disordered she was and what her game was.  (Lucky for everyone, I am much wiser these days).  But no, I take full responsibility for that.  I wish I could go back in time and undo that…

But, I digress.  Initially, there was no weird behavior online.  All of a sudden she was adding my extended family left and right, the vast majority of which she never met (I’m talking aunts, uncles, cousins).  I thought that was weird, and I caught myself wondering why I was internally freaking out about it so much.  It seemed out of character for me and I just could not understand why, at least not at the time.  But somehow, I felt violated.  It wasn’t until I learned about the concept of continuous boundary violation committed by generally disrespectful (and especially disordered and/or dysfunctional) individuals that I began to understand where my feelings were coming from.  The topic of boundaries will be discussed in more detail in a different post.

Anyhow, I forced myself to work through my strange frustration and – for the most part – didn’t allow it to affect me.  Around the time that I was working through this frustration and trying to understand it, her online behavior began to morph.  It seemed like all of a sudden she was pretending to be one of those people you see who spend a lot of time giving the appearance of philosophical thinking.  This includes statements about “living your life to the fullest” or “living with gratitude” or “seeing the beauty in nature” or some other various types of mantras that sound philosophical.  Granted, these are not bad things.  Not at all.  But I tend to differentiate between genuinely appreciating those things and trying to live them in your life and constantly making a point of talking about living that life online.  And my twin and I (as well as the family in general) all know damn well she isn’t really like that in person whatsoever.  There’s some interesting thoughts about that sort of online behavior, as stated by psychologist Eric B. Weiser.  According to him, social media is mainly a self-promotional platform (not that surprising).  Because of this though, that can tend to exacerbate or otherwise reinforce narcissistic tendencies like – exhibitionistic, attention-seeking, and other typical, garden variety self-promoting behaviors (Atanasova, 2016).

It is important to recall how narcissistic individuals, because of their constant need for attention, self-promotion, and general lack of empathy, cannot form genuine relationships with anyone (Atanasova, 2016).  Social media provides the basis for forming those superficial types of relationships, or as Twin A and I like to call it, “the fan club.”  To date, our suspected NMIL has two – yes, really – two Facebook accounts.  Thankfully for me, she chose to deactivate the one where she added all of my extended family she doesn’t know.  She likes to go around saying she deactivated the other one too, but truth of the matter is, a simple search reveals that it is still active and she still uses it.  She later got introduced to Instagram through one of the older grandchildren if I remember correctly.  Somehow, she has accumulated close to 1,500 followers and follows over 900 people.  We have also been privy to comments from her about how she “doesn’t talk to anyone online” or “doesn’t allow requests from anyone she doesn’t know.”  That seems contradictory in light of the sheer number of followers she has and how many she chooses to follow, but make of it what you will.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I certainly don’t think I know 1,500 people, much less 900, to follow or allow to follow me on my own Instagram account.

This is also another avenue where she sees fit to do whatever she can to twist any boundaries others have asked for her to respect.  For example, my twin and her husband chose to stop posting anymore pictures of their children online.  They passed this information on to NMIL.  Despite her “promises” to honor that, she was caught several times breaking it.  Since then, there have been instances where she’s randomly commented to people (without being asked, which says something) about how the children in whatever photo she’s responding to comments on she was “allowed to take a picture of” like she’s trying to invite commentary or look for an opportunity to make herself look like a victim.  In addition to photos, she’s also posted information online after being told NOT to, even by her own husband.  A few years back, he had gone to the hospital to have his gall bladder removed.  It would be one thing if he had asked to not tell anyone in the family until after it was over just to make sure he would be okay, or heck, even not say anything at all.  I get that.  What seemed extremely disrespectful to me was that she went online and posted this information a good two days before telling any family members.  Two days.  Make of that what you will.

For our suspected NMIL, social media has just become another way to create a web of lies, as you can tell by the little anecdotes provided.  From a psychological standpoint, this is purely an activity meant to be self-promoting.  Most of the research on NPD and social media use mainly centers around selfies, and our suspected NMIL has plenty of those, but for the most part, those are generally limited to profile pictures.  The pictures she tends to post on her timeline are made up quotes set against backdrops of nature shots she takes, or collages of the grandkids she’s “allowed” to share pictures of, sometimes intertwined with pictures of her.  Speaking about the grandkids she’s “allowed” to post about online, she always makes sure to dole out comments like “grandson [or granddaughter] is SO polite and/or SO wonderful to me” to which she tends to receive fan-girl replies such as, “because you did such a good job with their parents!” or some other BS.  This goes back to how well she treats this particular daughter and son of hers in general.  We fully believe she treats them “better” because they “allow” her more “freedoms” with those grandkids, because they don’t enforce very many (if any) sort of boundaries like we do.  And that’s their choice.  But they all have that attitude of “she’ll throw bitch fits if we confront her about anything, so we don’t enforce anything and let her do whatever.”  I think that’s just not okay, but that topic will be addressed elsewhere.

References

Atanasova, A. (2016). How to spot a narcissist on social media. Retrieved from https://www.socialmediatoday.com/social-networks/how-spot-narcissist-social-media

Further reading:

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/01/how-to-spot-a-narcissist-online/283099/

Unequal treatment: Roles in a family headed by the narcissistic abuser

In the family unit headed by a narcissistic abuser, each member has his or her own role to “fill” and the narcissist is the one who pushes different members into different roles.  Often, children will be switched into different roles throughout their lives depending on how the Nparent feels about them at a particular point.  In any case, each member is conditioned to fill the needs of the Nparent, disregarding their own.  Narcissistic parents mold their children into what they feel they should be, rather than allowing the children to grow into their own people.

In the family where the narcissist-abuser is the head, children are seen as extensions of the parent themselves.  In other words, they are also reflections of the parents, which is why you’ll initially assume a narcissist is such a loving, sacrificing martyr-type.  That’s the face they put out there for everyone to see so that they can get their fill of admiration (or narcissistic supply).  In reality, the children are made to serve the needs of the Nparent rather than the other way around.  Because of this, the children are often underdeveloped in things like communication, self-respect, self-esteem, emotional maturity, or a number of other social and interpersonal skills as they grow into adulthood.

It wasn’t until recently that my twin and I even connected the dots about the varying shades of treatment each of our husbands (not to mention their siblings) received.

• Example 1: After the incident where Twin A and I attempted to talk to her ourselves, NMIL went to Twin A’s husband and told him “you’re dead to me” but said no such thing to my husband.  Odd, considering I was just as involved as my twin was in that attempt at resolving our conflicts.  In addition, she would send mean, guilt trip-ridden texts to Twin A’s husband but did not to my husband.  To this day, she is still not laying out the level of disdain to my husband that she does to his brother.  I only wish I knew why, because it makes no sense to me.
• Example 2: Unfortunately, this preferential treatment is extending to the children too.  When Twin A and her husband were getting ready for their first baby, the only thing NMIL bothered to get for that child was ONE new outfit and an old outfit my brother-in-law supposedly wore.  After the child was born, the only present she’d ever given was some books she’d received for free.  Before my baby was even born, NMIL went out to a relatively expensive children’s clothing store and spent over $100 on clothes for my baby and tried giving us a secondhand stroller, despite us telling her multiple times we were picking out our own “big” items.  I don’t find this fair in the least.  So much for treating children – or grandchildren for that matter – equally.
• Example 3: The therapist my husband and I saw a couple of years ago had some interesting things to say about the ways in which manipulators will violate boundaries.  He said something along the lines of this: when you put any boundary in place, someone who has a habit of getting away with violating them will do whatever he or she can do to circumvent it or blast through it.  My husband nodded his head, confirming that yes, he feels this is what his mother does.  And she has done this.  This example involves another blatant disobeyed request, similar in the way our therapist described.  I had kept many of my childhood stuffed animals, therefore, we had requested to not get anymore for our baby because we had plenty.  Seems pretty simple enough, no?  He had even said this to his mother.  The next time he sees her, she says she bought this “organic” stuffed animal for our son.  When my husband refused to take it, she (and his father) got upset; he stood his ground and told him he had specifically asked that they NOT buy any stuffed animals.  Let me point out something here – I imagine most people would be like, oh just take it, it’s rude to refuse.  We don’t think that’s really the case in this instance because she went against a direct request and to take it would essentially be saying “you can ignore anything I say and walk all over me like usual” because she’s used to getting what she wants and will pitch a fit when someone has the balls to stand up to her.  Where this connects to the point of this post is that my twin tells me whenever they happen to be at the in-laws house and the toys are brought out, our NMIL always points out that the stuffed animal is their cousin’s toy.  ALWAYS.  Sure, let’s gloss over the fact that you never bothered with such a gift for the two children of your other son.  Let’s focus on how you are trying to pit my child against theirs, inciting jealousy amongst the children.  Sorry, writing this irritates me.

Anyhow, let me include some terms that you’ll likely come across in similar blogs – more about the following terms/information can be found here

1. Golden child: Essentially means the child can do no wrong, the one the narcissistic parent chooses to play favorites with at a particular point in that child’s life
2. Scapegoat child: This is the child all the bad is “dumped on” and in some cases, used as the metaphorical (or literal!) punching bag for the parent or other siblings
3. Lost/Invisible Child: This is a child that is largely ignored or left to fend for themselves, especially since the N parent lives in a perpetual bubble of “you all exist to serve me and not yourself.”

It is important to note, that it is very possible a child in one role now may either always retain that role, or the N parent(s) could switch roles for children at any point, often in response to something that happened.  Unfortunately as well, these roles are often passed on – albeit much more covertly – to the grandchildren of narcissists.  Thankfully for us, we do know that there is some evidence children pick up on the vibes people put out, which often determines how they behave around different people.  My twin’s children to some extent seem to pick up on the fact that grandma is not genuine.  Whether this is because our MIL isn’t too good at faking loving behavior or if these children are particularly perceptive is unclear.  And this isn’t something we rejoice about.  It is actually a very sad thing, no matter how irritated we are at our MIL or the fact that she’s responsible for the abuse her children suffered at her hands.  I have fond memories of my mother’s parents, and the few memories I have of my dad’s parents were also fun (and without any sort of pathologically dysfunctional undertones).  Most people want their children to love their grandparents.  When there is a situation involving abuse, the circumstances change.

– Twin B